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Alaaarm!
3 min read
7:47 a.m. My sweet dozing is interrupted by first notes of "Asterix et Obelix - Générique Debut". My phone's ringing. Still half asleep I grab the blinking one (I have two phones) and see that Luky's mum is calling. That's not good so early. That means something is wrong. She doesn't usually call me during her work hours.
"Hi, yesterday I had to visit the ER because I had big stomach problems and I'm in the hospital now. Can you tell me what "pathological growth" means?"If she took a bucket of icy cold water and splashed me from head to toe, she wouldn't start my mind up faster. By the moment she reaches the question mark, I'm not 100, but 120 % awake, my pulse and blood pressure attacking dangerous levels. My mind is racing like Usain Bolt and I'm desperatedly trying to figure out an answer that doesn't contain the word "cancer". The word we are fearing for nearly 2 months now.
"Eeeeeerrrrrrr... well... that means that there's something that shouldn't be there."
Answering her question 30 seconds after waking up, I've probably set the (hardly beatable) world record of the fastest true and politically correct answer to a question like that.
In next few seconds and minutes she explains to me that she is in hospital for some bloodwork (related to those stomach problems, but still on the outpatient basis) and this patological growth is some bone growth on her spine - you know, how many people have these on their knees, shoulders, heel bones... it's usually nothing serious but it causes discomfort. My heart rate is returning to more normal levels.
Four minutes passed, we've cleared everything up, and I'm hanging up, my whole body shaking from this adrenaline rush. You can tell I'm totally awake and not even thinking about going to nap again.
About half an hour later the whole story seems suddenly really funny. You know how you watch comedies, right? Things like that happen there all the time and you go like: "C'mon, it's a film, that could not happen!" and now you are a part of the film. She wanted to inform me that her stomach problems worsened and wanted to ask about what she's read in the X-ray report. But she asked in an... unfortunate manner.
There isn't any moral of this story apart from the fact that I shouldn't sleep for so long. But I can tell you, even the alarm clock that runs or flies away and you have to find it or the old-fashioned metal alarm clock that rings at 100 dB level are NOT the worst thing that could wake you up in the morning.
That happened in December, about a week before my furry little problem striked and I haven't been greeting the ringing alarm clock with joyful shrieking since then, but definitely I don't have much difficulty getting up because every time I feel lazy, I remember that fateful morning.
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Dang! I've spoken too soon...
2 min read
Maybe half an hour after posting the last journal about how everything seems to be OK for at least a couple of days I received bad news yet again - this time it's not kidney problem, this time it's something seriously wrong with digestion. So seriously wrong that it will require a risky examination and inevitably a surgery. Possibly even riskier given other circumstances. And if it wasn't serious enough, it looks like it will involve the hospital I really, really don't like - the hospital where my father died last year. I wasn't particularly in love with this place before but now I am grateful for every afternoon I don't have to spend there. Apart from desperation and other feelings, I can't forget the sticky smell I couldn't wash off my clothes...
Oh God, this does not look like a great time ahead. And thanks for those four days I was in a better mood.
Three weeks. Now we have three weeks to her next check-up and then... is my furry little problem going to strike again? (It will be scary enough even without it!)
I'm looking forward to another trip to Moravské Budějovice. The more it's approaching, the more I'm looking forward to it. Six hours' journey and four or five days spent in a place where all the troubles seem too far away to care about them... that's something I really need now.
I feel really intimidated to admit that one good thing is that everything seems to be OK at home. It seems that everything I praise suddenly turns to a mess.
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Never more!
3 min read
The recent attack of my anxiety disorder left me scratching my head and thinking how the hell could I live with that beast in me for maybe sixteen years and some more months, because I could track it to the time I was eleven and even younger. Yeah, I was not in contact with the stressor causing it and suddenly I was thrown into it with full force and head-first. It was a shame that I could not predict this, because I always thought that it would be a problem for me if someone near me would be in danger of having some serious problems with kidneys and/or urinary tract. And now a person who is dear to me was in a suspicion of kidney cancer. It was her second suspicion of cancer in three months and this time it looked really bad. I expected to feel bad but the truth is that I felt a lot worse than I ever imagined. It was not a common anxiety, it was a phobia of extraordinary dimensions. I eventually nicknamed it "furry little problem" (Harry Potter fans know), because I wanted to make some fun of it just to assure myself I was not going to end up totally mad.
The scans revealed no serious condition. At least not SO serious. But I've certainly gained a few grey hairs since Dec 12.
Last five weeks - never more! On Thursday when these good news arrived I felt like I hadn't slept for two weeks straight. I have forgotten how exhausted you are when you are anxious and how quickly it could drain you.
It's not over for her neither for me, because there will be regular check-ups. Now I'm working on some relaxation techniques, but the only possibility to get rid of this anxiety/phobia/monster is to face the stressor. That's what I'm probably going to do. I hope those check-ups allow me to get used to it and I hope they would not throw me in this "alternative reality" again (surely it depends on the results... dang, I hate when something depends on unpredictable things!). I'm sure no fear is so bad when taken slowly. When you have arachnophobia, you are not starting the treatment by watching a giant hairy spider, but only a picture of the thin little one you can find near your WC. That's basically what happened. I started with one of the biggest spiders I could find.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Let's hope I'm not an exception.
And yes, I still have the Mirror of Erised on my mind. I've sketched it a few times, but I'm so hopeless at drawing people! Couldn't I just... draw dogs or some other animals in front of the mirror instead? (does the mirror work for animals?)
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Giveaway!
2 min read
I donate for free:
- anxiety disorder resembling PTS, fully funkcional. Older manufacturing date, but looking and behaving like new. Not used for long time, but now polished and tuned up for full performance. I have two of them and am willing to give away the more powerful!
- tetania, also highly polished and well-kept. Maybe you have low muscle tone and this can help you!
But don't take them together. Those two monsters are hard to manage together!
Reality behind this advertisement is not so funny, but as always, I wanted to make some fun to remind myself I'm not out of my mind even though I feel not entirely sane today. I had really bad flashback this afternoon. It was provoked (I rarely have unprovoked flashbacks) and expected, but I didn't expect it to be that bad. I was told that the only way to make it through is to expose myself to the stressor, so I was not protesting really when it started, but it turned up to be as bad as the news that provoked it. Yes, it was provoked only by news and a story... in fact I probably bear it worse than the person involved. If she only knew... no! No! If she only knew, she wouldn't tell me anything, because she'd say that she didn't want me to be upset. And I really want to live flashback-free life, so I have to withstand it.
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A bit of relief
1 min read
Yesterday relieved a bit of tension. At least the first examination did not relieve anything as bad as it looked like at first sight. At least one threat is not so serious.
I can't say that it's all good and over. It still looks like I am going to face the nightmare I wished I was through and realized I am not, but I decided to work on it. I am certain that it would be unpleasant experience, but how else can I get rid of flashbacks hunting me every time somebody mentions something sensitive?
Let's face whatever is going to attack us! We are not as weak as we look like to be.
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